So, the spasms have come back last 2 days. Jai's grumpier than usual, though maybe this is his emerging teeth. Me and Heather are grumpier too, and not always playing nice. Grief doesn't flow like i've read in the texts. The stages are there all the time, just under the surface.. denial, anger, bargaining, depression waiting to burst forth. Acceptance may be a long time coming. Anger is one that I need to control. It is an inheritance from my Dad. I have controlled it well in the past, leashed and tied, like some animal I don't completely trust. But it takes plenty of willpower when I am mostly tired, and worried, and grieving. There's no good target for the anger; certainly not Jai. On bad days, my wife and I throw barbs at each other, testing our breaking points. But we know ourselves well enough to make some space, usually before the fireworks start.

I've been sticking to the usual morning routine, waking up early with Jai, playing and singing to him for a while (for unclear reasons, he seems to love my off key renditions of Beatles or Doors songs). I sit him up for a while, do some tummy time, give him his morning medicine, take him for a walk in the stroller. We walk along birdy paths, different each time, hearing the cooing of pigeons or the calls of tree birds. There are never many people this early in the morning, but Jai often evokes a smile or a comment of "beautiful baby" when we see someone. Today, a shy old Italian lady peeked under the hood of the pram, and chuckled with delight at him. I know this time of babyhood, where everything appears normal and we get good wishes from strangers isn't going to last forever. I should be enjoying it. But today, i feel a weight in my chest.