Watching the wheels go round

(Post from Dec 2019 - edited and posted November 2024, with the US election due tomorrow)

It seems increasingly clear that what I used to think in my 20s is true.. that there is limited value in joining the fray and trying to save the world. We’re all doomed. The people who hold the power, in Australia at least, are ruthless, and play with no rules or morals. Which means that if you try to play by the rules and be a good person, you are easy to defeat. This is not to say that I shouldn’t be a good person. Rather that I should try not to worry about something I can’t control. The world (the Earth) is gradually becoming into a less pleasant less liveable place for humans, and all we can do is try to slow this down a little. There will be increasingly more people who will be given an unfair deal in life. And the arseholes in power will keep trying to rewrite history to make themselves look good (and make good people look bad). Who is more loved.. John Howard or Julia Gillard? (Or Gillian Triggs?) Donald Trump or Joe Biden? It’s sad that I even need to ask!

So. why watch at all if these things make me sad?

Why not just live and be the person I want to be, and make small differences in my corner of the world?

And drink. And laugh. And travel. And enjoy what I can of life with my family and friends.

Dreams of buildings

I am in a large house, with many people, like some party or gathering. Outside there is some sort of pyrotechnic display, meteors or a volcanic explosion. I think that the house is going to catch fire any moment, and feel the bittersweet of having had many good memories, but also feel okay to move on. Heather is conspicuously absent, but i am talking with a couple of good friends.

In my dreams, buildings usually have many levels and seem to represent my conscious and subconscious mind. Often there are hidden or inaccessible parts to these buildings. I recall one in a large multilevel library, with hard to find stairs leading to unlit levels. Or, another dream, where an entrance led to a large underground cave, again with many levels, and the bustle of people on each level. The sense that each level holds secrets and surprise.

This dream was different, only having one level, and also being a well lit and accessible house. Also, there was impeding disaster, signifying, as always, change.

Flourish

Since coming back from Borneo, things have settled into a kind of routine, me doing my jobs and Heather hers. Coming together at the end of the week, spending a little time together on weekends. It works in a way. I am always behind in things to do for the kids (make a dress up box for us all, do more bike riding with Uma, more swimming, teach Noah to drive), but i get enough done, before falling asleep bone tired most nights. Heather does her jobs, does most of the cooking, keeps my Dad fed, mostly keeps the house. More separate than it should be, but that’s how we roll. And somehow we have 3 happy kids.

We have lived here nearly 3 years, and the garden we have created is flourishing with an exuberant display of blossom and fruit. Cumquats, passionflowers and fruit, zucchinis which we forget to harvest till they turn to marrows, rosemary and thyme and bay and mint, crepe myrtle blossoms, native bushes and grasses. In the front are the red flashes of a dublin bay rose, a meadow of california poppies, and, just now, the reblooming of our bromeliads, spectacular pink with mini blue buds for contrast. Also more native bushes patiently waiting their turn.

Uma loves the garden, looking for mini beasts, jumping on the logs, harvesting out the back and finding new blooms out the front. From her top floor window, she spies ringtail possums on the telegraph wire some nights, or the silhouette of a fruit bat. The cats bask in the sun or hide in the shade. And Jai would be happy to play all day with the pebbles and dust. Our tiny retreat.

Crossroads and highways

Dream:

I am driving a car which i have little control over. I reverse in a semicircle on a steep driveway. I almost run over an elderly woman who i didn’t notice. I am shaken, and ask someone what her name is, so i can apologise and make excuses why i couldn’t control the car, but notice the woman is cursing at me ferociously.

Later i am driving onto a large highway, mostly empty. The car is small and old and falling apart. I can’t quite fit my whole body into the car, nor do up the seatbelt. I feel i am going too fast, and that i cannot stop from crashing. I push on the brakes to try to slow down, but I can’t slow down enough. The thought enters my head that i need a better car.

In reality this describes my life pretty well. I have no choice but to do what I’m doing, but disaster is always a shadow away. I love the people i work with and the job i do despite being at an understaffed and overworked and crazily busy department. Somehow it gives me some respite from the relentless and lonely work at home. Having adults to talk with, to joke around with in the midst of the chaos.

I want to survive and rise to the challenges, to keep fighting, to not give in to despair.

I need to find support at home as well as at work.