Dreams of disasters

Dreams of disasters signify  times of change or turmoil in my life. Not necessarily bad change. In fact, I usually survive in the dream, and often wake with the feeling that i can survive whatever changes are happening in real life. 

Long ago, at the end of my first year studying medicine, I dreamt of looking out of my dorm window watching the colours of the sky flash over the ocean, after a nuclear explosion. It seemed very beautiful. 

Back in Thailand after a year of traveling, my travel buddy Lawrence and I surfed a tidal wave that swept chaotically through the buildings of Bangkok. 

Other times, I have been hit by tornadoes, floods, ocean storms, and fires. The impending disasters carry as much excitement as fear. And somehow, I always seem to survive.  

Last night was a different form of the disaster dream. Heather and I were trying to find a way home, driving on some peninsula with our kids. We saw there was a boat moored on the beach, and enquired if the captain could get us home. He agreed, but then I realised we were on the wrong side of the peninsula, that the journey would take longer, and we would be on the exposed side of the land. I thought we would all get seasick. For some reason, I got into the water, and then realised that a whirlpool had appeared, which was near to sucking me in. 

20 odd years

On balance, I feel pretty proud of what I've achieved in this life, and the way I treat the people in my life. Especially how I've grown up my kids. Despite having grown up in a family where there was more hatred and resentment than love, where i was brought up in a way that made me dislike the world and despise myself. Two way conversation was rare, and humour absent. My parents abused each other verbally. My Mum had few kind words for me. I am proud that i could throw away what i experienced as a child and bring my own kids up in a different way. I am proud of all the energy and time i devoted to all of my kids, and how i've done may best to make sure they all feel loved and nurtured and part of a family. 

Outside of family, I enjoy tennis and pool and card games with different friends. Dinners with groups. Movies or netflix shows with my wife. I have some friends i enjoy a drink and a yarn with. 

Sadly though, I've allowed laughter to dissipate more and more. Despite having some hilarious friends, I find it hard to display my own humour. There's nobody I can blame for this. My wife and I got out of the habit of intimate talk and humour for some 2 or 3 years, but i admit she has truly been trying to connect more strongly with me for some months. I feel like a stone, tired and emotionless. I feel like i should try too, but i miss the timing, then give up too quickly. Work and my lovely kids just drain me too much. And I'm out of practice. 

Mai pen rai! Never mind. I've come a long way from 20 years old. I've lived a pretty good life. I've done plenty for my wife and my kids. So far at least. I want to change still, to regain some of the good parts that have faded. I still have some more things i want to do, for myself, and for others. 

Daydream

I have a daydream.. that i take leave of my job, a short goodbye; one morning, give my kids and my wife a hug goodbye, and drive off into the country North or West, no destination in mind. In this dream, i let go of my phone, my email, my Facebook account, find work when i need to, send money back to support my family, but otherwise strip back my life to the simple day to day chores.... sleep, eat, exercise, work, write, explore nature. Maybe for 3 months, maybe 3 years. Of course, it's impossible. My kids would miss me, probably my wife, some friends would be concerned, someone would track me down. The brutal lack of freedom of modern life. But it's a nice dream for me, someone who cannot help revert back to the feeling of being an outsider from every which group.

Ultimately, i think, everyone needs to find their own tribe, their people. People who like them, accept them for who they are, like hanging out with them. I have had people like this in my life, girlfriends, card friends, traveling friends. I even have some people like this in my life now. But i don't get to spend much time with them. I have made bad or unlucky choices, which have lead me to be part of groups of people who don't quite get me, or who i feel not quite in tune with. My wife has changed over the years into someone who accepts but doesn't enjoy who i am, my passions, or my sense of humour. My kids are lovely, but they are kids. At work, i often feel boring and humourless, off kilter, strange. I spend too much of my time with people who don't really want me around (my kids excepted). Is it too late to change?

The healing power of writing

I have been feeling overwhelmed, not without reasons. It's not easy to look after 5 people, 3 kids (one of whom is 18, but needs some help getting motivated in life, and 2 young kids), 2 elderly and generically stubborn parents. I have a tough job, where stresses pile up routinely. Recently, for a few months, we had trouble with our marriage. These things are enough. But they have made me tongue tied at work too, less able to engage. less able to find laughter or relief. And the last thing, or last straw, is the fact that I stopped writing in the time when the stress was worst (and when I was busiest). Natural i suppose, especially since this is a (i believe) rarely read blog.

But i also avoid sharing too much bad news with my friends and colleagues// What could i say? Jai's having fits, he's  progressing very slowly if at all, that my Mum's difficult to live with, that my brother's a selfish arsehole who refuses to lend any help to my parents despite all they've done for him, that my wife and I don't see eye to eye about how we should live our life...  You see, sounds bad, huh? So i need to write, to get these things off my chest. So they don't build up like stagnant water inside me. 

So that i can concentrate on the good// that Jai's a beautiful, happy boy, who i love spending time with, that he's started childcare and observing other kids more, that my wife's a good person at heart, and that we spend some nice times together when we get the chance, that my Mum's been saying positive things more than she used to and finally agreed to stop talking about my brother with us, that I'm spending some nice times with Dad and Noah and Uma too, that Uma is amazing and wonderful. 

The blogs must start again.. words, and also laughter, music and wine. Cheers to them all!