On balance, I feel pretty proud of what I've achieved in this life, and the way I treat the people in my life. Especially how I've grown up my kids. Despite having grown up in a family where there was more hatred and resentment than love, where i was brought up in a way that made me dislike the world and despise myself. Two way conversation was rare, and humour absent. My parents abused each other verbally. My Mum had few kind words for me. I am proud that i could throw away what i experienced as a child and bring my own kids up in a different way. I am proud of all the energy and time i devoted to all of my kids, and how i've done may best to make sure they all feel loved and nurtured and part of a family.

Outside of family, I enjoy tennis and pool and card games with different friends. Dinners with groups. Movies or netflix shows with my wife. I have some friends i enjoy a drink and a yarn with.

Sadly though, I've allowed laughter to dissipate more and more. Despite having some hilarious friends, I find it hard to display my own humour. There's nobody I can blame for this. My wife and I got out of the habit of intimate talk and humour for some 2 or 3 years, but i admit she has truly been trying to connect more strongly with me for some months. I feel like a stone, tired and emotionless. I feel like i should try too, but i miss the timing, then give up too quickly. Work and my lovely kids just drain me too much. And I'm out of practice.

Mai pen rai! Never mind. I've come a long way from 20 years old. I've lived a pretty good life. I've done plenty for my wife and my kids. So far at least. I want to change still, to regain some of the good parts that have faded. I still have some more things i want to do, for myself, and for others.